so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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