I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
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