Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
