Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
He fucked me in one of the back rooms at the club then gave me an altoid. I have mixed feelings about it still.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Randomize
