You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
After tacos, we're chasing women.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Randomize
