can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
