I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
