Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
