I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
be right there i have to get my cape
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
