I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat
watch out for the queen of hearts
fuucck i forgot ab her
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
