i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
Non-Jews are for practice
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
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