yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Randomize
