i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
Randomize
