I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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