after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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