I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize