I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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