So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
