i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
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