Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
Randomize
