I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
I didn't notice because vodka
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Randomize
