K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Randomize
