Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
