My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
He's having sex with his gf again. Every thump of his bed against the wall is insulting to our one night stand.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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