Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
Houston, we have a squirter
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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