Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Give me one reason I shouldn't put the phrase "sex emotions" into my essay.
No.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
He doesn't like Sabbath and that alone is a GIANT red flag. Learn from my experiences and never, I mean NEVER associate with people that hate Black Sabbath and Motörhead.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
