Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
How do you feel about a threesome?
Will you be there?
I'm the one asking!
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