am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Randomize
