sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I want to dip my vagina in sugar. Not only will it be sweet, but it will have a nice sparkle.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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