having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Randomize
