I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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