I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
The cops raided her house the day before class even started
Those assholes are becoming so efficient
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Randomize