I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
Yes i believe i did use that word. It culminated in a man wearing a corset thigh highs and stripper shoes. All mine btw.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
