The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
It's ok for me to have his baby but I can't be his friend on fb. Wth is wrong with this
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
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