fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
His concept of male bonding is doing lines in adjacent stalls.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Randomize
