I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
