I met the friendliest cop last night
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I think weed is turning my hair brown
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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