I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
I just volunteered myself to get tazed this should get interesting
Randomize
