I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
You can't find true love with Budweiser and a futon
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I woke up with a massive hangover and realized I still had an entire bottle of tequila in my car...so yeah, working on tomorrow's hangover.
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Randomize
