I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
No, veal is cruel because they chain them down, I'm talking about free range human babys here.
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
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