I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
