He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
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