Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
