I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Of course I have a pirate flag
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
