a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
