BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize