opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
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