i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
this beer tastes like vomit already
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
