dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I won't apologize to a one balled man
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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