i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
Legitimate logistical question....how did you pee in your duct tape dress?
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Randomize