Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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