well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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