Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
Randomize
