WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
The air taste purple.
Randomize
