I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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