Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
The next morning I found her spread eagle asleep on the living room floor and he was asleep with his head in her crotch. I needed a ride and had to wake them up.
Randomize