He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Randomize
