We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
Found the puke drawer
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Btw. U, me, male strippers, beer. Gonna happen. We could totally get TNT from like u know TNT places
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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