I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
Randomize
