she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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