The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
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