Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Randomize
