Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Randomize