Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
He came so hard he burst a blood vessel in his eye. Do I have to take him to the ER? because I'm too tired for this shit.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
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