i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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