masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
Randomize
