I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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