just saw a guy throwing up in the urinal at Dennys. Either he had one hell of last night or we are going to eat somewhere else
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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