I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
I just want you and your enormous dick to be my fucking rebound so we can move on with our lives
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
