Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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