Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
