dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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