Screwed.edu
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
There's a guy in a plaid shirt running around asking everyone if they want to head butt him
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