o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
love being home for thanksgiving just had grandma pick me up from the frat by her house
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
The attempted closet masturbation was unforgivable.
That was the most fucked up I've ever seen him. He had the fucking Canola Oil!
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
Randomize
